Quickie

Look Billy Joel just becasue we didn't start the fire doesn't mean that you can't be a suspect in the arson case.

Bless You

"You committed too early on the “bless you”. I hate it when I hit the second sneeze with a bless you, and they thwart me and come around with the third sneeze. I almost feel obligated to continue blessing them via the almighty lord as long as they fire them out."

"I’m like a Swiss Bank of “Bless you’s” I’m not worried about overly capricious use, they just keep on coming when I turn the vault key."

Doctor

"Doctor, do you think he will live."

"No, but I'm not sure that he will ever die."

Screwdriver

A screw driver is a lucky device that has a blessed life, a single task and no one can ever question or ask. "Do you think it's broken?" For surely they would be thought of as fools.

True story in the NYTimes

The world sushi supply is running low on tuna. Time to turn to nature's second tuna... horse meat.

Speak up

"There are some men that are men of many words."
"Are you one of those men?"
"No"

Go on youtube and watch the 305

"Am I fast? You could say that. I can run like a wildabeast. In fact I once raced a wildabeast and I won."

~305

Be Reasonable

When you hear hooves, think horse not zebra.

On getting naked at a party.

Don't act surprised when you do a rain dance and then a hurricane blows through.

My Boss said this to me once.

Do you know what these are? They're alligator skin boots. You know why I wear them? Becasue I'm the boss.

Kidding

"Child dies in flash flood," that article would be much happier if it was "Child dies in Flash Dance!"

Heroine

Heroine, who the hell got you into heroine? Idk my bff Jill.

The Power of God

I heard that in the light of all three Holy Trilogies (Star Wars, Lord of the Rings and Indiana Jones) Steve can turn into a bear... a Grizzly Bear.

On being a Man

Sometimes for a man to be called a man, he has to take a journey... a journey to the sea.

N-Star

I want to be your toilet...

Good Ole Your Mom away Message

S: Yeah good jobs are sweet. Although it’s getting busy as fu*k here…but they ease you in like the first time behind Greg’s mom…

B: You mean they tie a rope around your ankle and give you a flashlight?

TRIPLE BONUS ROUND

We don't chase em, we replace them.
How true that is.

Jam

I do love anything with the word Jam in it. Like jamming my blank in and then jamming my blank on top of it in between your buns.


Where blank 1 stands for peanut butter and blank 2 stands for Jam as in a jelly product.

Dinosaurs

Dinosaurs, sure they exist, but back in my day we called them what they were, Jesus Horses.

Be Brave

Once there was a boy who played with fire. He did not get burned. In fact people said he was a genius, because this boy was a cave man.

Video Bonus!

"The way I see it is: I'm gonna pick up dinner now and you're gonna pick up my balls later and put them in your mouth so yea, I'm totally sure"

Cheeto

Fight for it? Hell, I'd kill for the last cheeto.